Top Ten

Top ten things to do while you’re on crutches with an Achilles’ Tendon rupture:

1) Go to the DMV.  I strolled in without an appointment and the line said it would take 90 minutes but when I rolled in with my crutches, the lady at the desk took pity on me and put me in the front of the line.  I’m sure people were pissed, but if they wanted to be in the front of the line so bad, go ahead and rupture your Achilles’.  It depends on how much you despise the DMV.

2)  Abuse the BART system.  The other day I found a loophole in the BART system.  Shawn dropped me off at the street elevator that takes you to the main platform at Embarcadero Station.  After asking a Muni attendant in the little glass booth where the elevator was and being completely ignored (bitch), I hobbled over to the BART attendee who told me to take the elevator in the middle of the station.  I again hobbled over to the elevator and pushed the “down” arrow.  When it arrived, I jumped in, almost barfed at the urine smell, and then pushed the button for the BART level.  Once the doors opened, I was at the platform and had not tagged my Clipper Card at all.  I got nervous that when I got to Walnut Creek, I would get in trouble but who would get mad at a girl on crutches, right?  I got to Walnut Creek and took the elevator to the street level and it dropped me outside of the gates.  I basically got a free ride and now I understand why I see perfectly non handicapped people riding the elevators.

3)  Go to bars (Part 1).  You know how annoying it is when you go to a bar and it’s so crowded or the bartender is SO COOL that it takes anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes for you to get a drink?  Well, with crutches, people gladly let you slide in to order your drink.  No problem.  They will also sometimes give you their bar stool which is also very kind of them.

4)  Go to bars (Part 2).  I am not a single woman, but if I were right now is the time to go to bars and meet hawt guyzz.  Here’s what you do: Wait till you see that hottie bo body near the bar door.  Then you hobble to the door and try to open it but kind of struggle with your crutches.  If he has a soul, he’ll help you open the door and BAM there’s your ice breaker.  Start planning your wedding the next day.

5)  Park ANYWHERE.  I got my temporary handicap parking placard almost immediately after my accident and man do I love it.  I am allowed to park in metered spaces for free, in blue or green painted curbs, handicap parking spaces, and permit parking only zones for as long as I like.  Also, if I roll into a gas station and there is more than one attendant working, they are obligated to pump my gas for me for free.  I haven’t tried that yet, but it’s nice knowing it’s there.  With my placard, we were able to park in the crowded North Beach area, anywhere downtown, and at the 7th and Fulton Safeway without the usual anxiety of not finding a parking space.  Hell yeah.

6)  Get on an airplane.  I took a flight to Seattle this weekend and kindly notified Virgin that I would need wheelchair service to the gate.  It was awesome.  I went straight to the front of the ticket counter, they called down for a wheelchair.  A nice man came and got me.  We zipped right through the security line and wheeled quickly to the gate.  at SFO, I didn’t even have to take off my shoe (singular).  I boarded the plane first which was also sweet.  Then, when we landed, there was another nice man standing there with a little whiteboard and a wheelchair that said “EMILY NEVEU” on it waiting for me at the gate to take me wherever.  I felt very special thank you kind sir.

7)  Go to an amusement park.  To be fair, I’ve never tried this.  But I have heard that you are allowed to go straight to the front of the line if you’re on crutches.  I’m into this.

8)  Make up stories about how you got your injury.  You will get asked close to 29384628346 times what happened to your leg and, at first, you’re excited to tell the traumatic story, but after a few hundred times, you want to headbutt anyone who asks you this question.  You will undoubtedly get so sick of this question, that you will begin to make up stories.  Warning: you will get a kick out of this, but the poor sap you’re telling it to will think you’re an asshole after he/she finds out you were lying.

9)  Go to three weddings in one month.  Be sure to plan your leg injury in the same month as all three of the weddings you’re invited to are.  Sure, you can’t get up and mingle, but people will come to you which is nice.  Also, if you hate dancing, you now have a valid excuse not to.  You will, however, get a lot of lap dances (no complaints).

10)  Use Safeway Grocery Delivery.  I have not been able to go to the grocery store and shop for food since my accident.  For those of you who know me, this is almost devastating because I like to cook/bake a lot.  Safeway does have a magical service where you go online, shop for food, then they deliver it to your door.  This is perfect for people who are injured or people who just hate the stress of being in a crowded grocery store.  I highly recommend.

In conclusion, these ten pros do not outweigh the cons of snapping off the largest tendon in your body.  But, if you’re going to do it and be on crutches, take advantage of it.  I’m trying to make some shitty lemonade out of the lemons  handed to me this year, so get off my back.